


in and out

by eg1701



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is hurting, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, and i really liked this episode, if that bothers you, magnus is worried, they needed a better talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 17:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11340345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eg1701/pseuds/eg1701
Summary: Alec says that it wasn't him.Magnus isn't so sure.Or, Magnus knows what it's like to stand on a ledge. Alec doesn't want to talk about it and Magnus thinks that maybe he needs to.In the morning maybe.





	in and out

My family was the last to leave. Jace looked like he wanted to say something. He's never been the best at these sort of things, and the squeeze of my shoulder was enough. I know buddy, he seems to be saying.

"I'll stay here tonight," I say, in a voice that is not my own. I sound like a recording. 

Izzy frowns, but Max is tired. It's late after all. Max doesn't need to know what's happened. I listen to him until I can’t hear him anymore. He tells Izzy how much fun he had, how awesome he thinks “Alec’s warlock boyfriend” is. She must have taken him down the stairs because I can’t hear his voice. I’m glad he enjoyed himself. It was for him. 

"We'll see you in the morning Alec," Mom says. She sounds very tired. I pull her into a hug. Maybe I owe her that.

What if the roles were reversed and it was my child standing out on that ledge? I think I would like some comfort from said child. She does the same thing I do in hugs. She sort of buries her face into my shoulder and for a just a moment I forget how much she disapproves of my relationship, how I will never be quite good enough for her, for the Lightwood name.

For a just a moment we are like every other mother and son. 

Then she pulls away, the moment passed, and she nods like a commander dismissing the troops. I nod back, yes we will see each other tomorrow and it will be as if nothing happened.

Magnus shuts the door behind them with a note of finality. He looks as if he is going to make a joke or something to lighten the mood, but he stops, probably because he sees me standing by the door, staring at the space my mother had occupied. Breathe Alec, I tell myself, in and out like Jace says.

"Alexander?" He asks. It sounds as if he is very far away, and though I understand that he is speaking to me, I can't process this. I can't make my mouth form a response, and I can't even keep myself standing upright. My brain seems to have forgotten how to do what it’s supposed to since I’m focusing on breathing in and out.

Thankfully he notices me about to collapse and rushes over before I fall on my face. It feels like the world is spinning around me and I can't do anything to stop it. My knees hurt from where they hit the ground, but the pain is something to focus on. I need things to slow down.

“Why didn't you tell me you were hurting so much?” Magnus whispers, sounding just a little heartbroken, “Alexander if I had known-” 

“I'm fine,” I reply, trying to play it all off, but I let him help me to my feet, “you said someone was controlling our emotions, playing with our minds. You know I wouldn't." 

Even I can hear the lie in my voice. 

He shakes his head, “the magic can only bring out fears that already exist. It cannot magically create those fears. Magic is not all powerful.” 

I nod and squeeze my eyes shut, “I can't get the blood off of my hands. And Mags, Clary may not feel like that on the surface, but deep down she has to harbor some resentment. I killed her mom. I am a murderer and no one will say it." 

“A demon killed Jocelyn.” 

“A demon I let in.” 

“Alexander.” He says my name because maybe that is all he can say. He pulls me against his chest and I feel so weak I think he's the only thing keeping me standing up. 

“You are so good,” he says, taking my face in his hands, “and I adore you. You are good and you are brave and you are strong and what happened to Jocelyn with the demon is not your fault and never will be.” 

“Can you make that true?” My own voices sounds scratchy. I am doing everything to keep myself from sobbing. I don't want Magnus to see sobbing Alec. He's a wreck. No one likes sobbing Alec, and that’s why I keep him away from everyone. Emotions are nothing but a distraction. Look at my own words coming back to bite me in the ass.

“I will do everything in my power,” Magnus tells me, “and I have a lot of power.” 

“High Warlock of Brooklyn,” I whisper. He smiles back, but his smile is as sad as my voice. 

He takes care of me. 

I like to clean when I'm upset or feeling helpless but I just don't have the energy. Magnus magics things back to their place while I curl around a pillow on the sofa. 

I hold onto it as tight as I can stand. 

“Alexander?” 

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever hurt yourself before?” He's not looking at me. He's sort of looking at the ground, like he didn't want to ask it. 

I am glad because if I meet his eye he’ll find out too much. 

The bookshelves are back in place. All the glass is picked up and everything is the same as it was. I don't reply. I focus on the repaired bookshelves. Magic never ceases to amaze me. It’s as if they were never broken.

I think the is answer silence enough. Jace asked me that once. I was fourteen. And I kept silent just like I am now. 

If I say it out loud it makes it true and maybe I don't want it to be true. He sighs and pulls me across his lap. 

The balcony door is still open, letting the night air creep in. It feels cole in my lungs, refreshing. 

I realize he is waiting for me to speak. I have to start this. 

“Mags if I promise to have this conversation with you tomorrow can we just sleep?” I mutter. 

Exhaustion just hit me and speaking is taking too much effort. 

“I suppose. But we are having this conversation. This can’t be unspoken between us.” 

I nod, and move around until his thigh is my pillow. I am way too tall for this couch, but it’s going to have to do. It’ll be dawn in a few hours anyway. He laces his arm around me and intertwines our fingers. 

“I know how it hurts,” he whispers. I don’t reply, “I know that you feel alone and that it wouldn’t matter. But it would.”  
“Morning Magnus.”

“You’re right. Sorry.”

I listen to him breathe. In and out in and out.

**Author's Note:**

> I just needed a better Alec and Magnus discuss Alec almost committing suicide scene ok? I don't know if this goes along with canon, I suppose it could


End file.
